Just like other types of OCD, rOCD can involve unwanted, intrusive impulses and images.
This multi-part series of posts will focus primarily on rOCD, also known as “relationship OCD.” Part 1 focused on obsessive thoughts that are common in rOCD.
This part discusses other relationship OCD obsessions, including intrusive impulses and images.
Part 3 will review common compulsions and avoidance behaviors that are typical in rOCD (relationship OCD).
Part 4 will discuss “Relationship-Focused OCD” more broadly in the context of other types of relationships, including friendships, parent-child relationships, and professional relationships.
As I mentioned in my previous post on rOCD, many people with “relationship OCD” experience recurrent doubts about whether or not they are with the “right” person. Many also infer that if they have doubts about their current relationship, they might secretly want to cheat (or will cheat). They may fear that they will be unfaithful, even if they’re committed to their partner and have no specific desire to cheat. They may believe that unless they can feel 100% certain that they’d never cheat on their partner, they are in the “wrong” relationship.
What Intrusive Impulses/Images Occur in Relationship OCD (ROCD)?
In my previous post, I discussed rOCD obsessions characterized by unwanted thoughts. However, some particularly confusing rOCD obsessions include intrusive impulses or images. These obsessions overlap extensively with the obsessions experienced by those with hOCD (which is more accurately described as “sexual orientation OCD“), pOCD, and other sexually-themed OCD.
Examples of ROCD Unwanted Impulses
ROCD impulses are experienced as distressing and unwanted, although sometimes the individual cannot discern if the impulse is something they actually want to engage in or not. Common OCD impulses in ROCD include:
- Impulses or urges to kiss someone other than your partner.
- Urges or impulses to sexually touch someone (other than your partner).
- Impulses to break up with your partner.
- Urges to scream or yell at your partner.
- Unwanted, inappropriate impulses to grab someone’s breasts, buttocks, or genitals.
- Impulses to cheat on your partner or have sexual contact with someone other than your partner.
- Impulses to blurt out, “I love you,” to someone other than your partner.
- Impulses/urges to ask another person out on a date.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Whenever I’m around an attractive man, I feel this overpowering urge to kiss him. These urges have gotten so strong that I’ve started avoiding being one-on-one with my male colleagues. I’m in an amazing relationship and I think I’m in love with my boyfriend, so I can’t understand why this is happening to me. Does this mean that I’m secretly unhappy or want to cheat on him?
-Maria
These impulses occur in the absence of “true” attraction or a “true” desire to cheat. This is similar to how someone with Pure-O OCD or harm OCD might experience unwanted urges to harm a family member. Likewise, someone with sexual obsessions might experience unwanted urges to do something sexually inappropriate to a child.
Some individuals with relationship OCD also experience their obsessions in the form of intrusive images, which are often sexual or romantic in nature.
Relationship OCD: Unwanted Sexual Images
- Sexual or romantic imagery associated with an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.
- Sexual or romantic imagery associated with friends or co-workers.
- Sexual or romantic imagery associated with strangers.
- Images of undressing in front of someone other than your partner.
- Images of performing sexual acts with someone else you find attractive.
- Intrusive sexual images of other individuals (e.g., seeing yourself having sex with someone else) while being intimate with your partner.
- Intrusive sexual images of other people having sex with your partner (e.g., previous boyfriends / girlfriends, strangers, etc.).
My wife is the most amazing woman in the world, but I’m plagued by these crazy thoughts about my ex. I can’t stop thinking about having sex with her, and I keep comparing sex with my wife vs. sexual experiences I’ve had with my ex. Does this mean that I’m not over my ex-girlfriend?
-Kevin
Some images focus specifically on your partner’s sexual history.
I know that my girlfriend is faithful, but I can’t stop thinking about her previous sexual relationships. Is sex with me as good as sex with her ex-boyfriend? Is she as attracted to me as she was to him? She keeps telling me she loves being with me, but I can’t let go of the feeling that she had better sex with her ex. Even though I don’t want to, I find myself interrogating her about the specifics of her previous sexual relationships. I just can’t get over the fact that she has enjoyed sex with somebody else. What’s wrong with me?
-Chris
ROCD images are unwanted, spontaneous, intrusive, and distressing, and many individuals with ROCD feel intense guilt, shame, and confusion over not being able to control their thoughts.
Questions? Comments? Do you have relationship OCD (ROCD) characterized by intrusive impulses or images? Sound off below…
I feel a lot of people have these thoughts, especially about theirs or their partners ex’s, without being classified as having OCD.
True. This is a good example of how the content of OCD thoughts isn’t unique to OCD. “OCD” is worth considering only if the experience is sufficiently intrusive, recurrent, and unwanted, and causes significant distress. Moreover, OCD is also typically accompanied by time-consuming compulsions or unhealthy avoidance, which I’ll talk about in the next installment.
I have rocd and find myself feeling numb questioning if I should stay or leave my fiance and last night I felt like I was choking in my sleep some days I don’t sleep I’m anxious just writing this and I’m confused I want to feel back in love again I cry almost every night I’ve been praying I’m scared these thoughts are true
ROCD can be tough, but the overarching goal is to work on getting better at accepting uncertainty. ERP, mindfulness, and medication can all be tools to help ease the process.
I have never been officially diagnosed, yet I’ve had almost every obsession and compulsion listed in all my relationships- so far 2. I’ve even broken up twice with my current partner (and the one before him)due to excessive doubts and that sickening feeling and then gotten back together.
Today I told my therapist that I read a book on OCD- about how to deal with unwanted thoughts- and she told me “you don’t have OCD, why would you read this book?” This response has made me doubt everything. Have I distorted my experiences so much because I want to give my thoughts and feelings a name?
Does this person treat a lot of individuals with OCD? Sadly, most therapists are not specifically trained in diagnosing and treating OCD. They may recognize more common types of OCD (handwashing, checking, etc.), but they may not realize that OCD encompasses many, more varied symptom presentations. It might be helpful to get a second opinion so that you can confirm (or rule out) the diagnosis.
i have been with my partner for more than a year now and due to traumatic experiences in her past, she has a hard time giving me oral sex. however, she did it with a guy she was dating shortly before we met. he sent her an extremely dirty sms asking her, when she would do it again for him. i have to admit that i went through her phone early in our relationship and saw that sms and since then, it has been on my mind. i told her and she keeps telling me that she is more attracted to me than to him and that she didn’t like giving him oral sex. in the beginning, i thought i could handle it since oral sex is not my preferred thing, nonetheless i want it from time to time and not receiving it at all while regularly giving it to her makes our sex life seem flawed or incomplete to me. the more time passed, i started having more and more thoughts about her performing it on the other guy and a few months ago i had a meltdown. i told her that i felt that my sexual needs somehow seemed less important than the ones of the other guy and that i had compulsive thoughts about her pleasing him. she said she understood and she would make an effort to overcome her trauma with the issue. i expected her to follow through but nothing happened – our sex remained as it was. don’t get me wrong: i really love having sex with her. today we met a couples’ therapist and she said she was sure that i had relationship ocd. she said that my legitimate sexual need for oral sex and my obsession about past romantic relationships should be seen separately and that i should change my attitude towards the argument. it’s very hard for me to steer my thoughts in a different direction and not to feel jealous for the pleasure she gave to someone else. but i see that my complaining about it puts her under pressure to perform something on me. i feel very torn because i know that i am prone to having mental issues – i have experienced ocd since my early childhood and i think it’s totally possible that this is just a new obsession my brain has turned to. but at the same time i can’t but to feel a sense of justification for my anger about not doing something for me that she has done to someone else who she had only seen a couple of times. has anyone had a similar issue and what did you do to overcome it?
Dear sir,
Hi im a young African male I’m about 20 years old and I have been suffering with ocd since I was about 17 and it was honestly the most horrible time of my life, looking back I kinda had ocd most my life but it wasn’t this bad maybe because I was in my adolescence and I ain’t have much to worry about. Honestly most my life It’s been very good I’m come from a very loving family who’s nurturing and very supportive, but anxiety does run in my family. Okay so it all started with depersonalization I felt like everything around me was weird and I was in some type of movie I didn’t know what to think of it but I honestly just that I had lost my mind and that stemmed into a fear of me going crazy and that I would lose my mind and end up in an asylum or something that haunted me for a bit and I eventually got over it. I use to stay on google for hours searching my symptoms and it always aimed to OCD when I read a whole bunch of forums and paychecks post I was relieved to find out I wasn’t alone form there I study ways to conquer it. my ocd switched themes back and fourth at one point I had HOCD and then it when to Harm OCD and then I worried about my health and it varies from there. The worst was the HOCD it felt so real and I haven’t been so scared in my life I felt like I had. I control over my thoughts and the only time I got a break is when I was sleeping. It gave off feelings that I thought were so real and I honestly believed that I was not in control of my body anymore. After months and months of suffering from that I finally put my food down and took ocd by the horns and ran with it after finding many ways of coping with it I finally conquered in till I was about 18 going on to 19. And then I got into my first serious relationship with this girl I knew for a long part of my life we were friends just not close. She was my first for everything love sex commitment all that shit, it was puppy dog love for a few months and that’s when everything stared going downhill. She had this Ex that she couldn’t get over and I was basically in a three way relationship for a bit but I was blinded and I allowed it to happen. Soon she got over home and it was just me and her but even a long way I to the relationship she was kind still into him
And blah blah blah. I thought I was in love but this girl was very toxic for me my parents told me my friends told me but I just did not listen I just thought they didn’t wanna see my happy and they were against me. We dated for about a 1 year and some months and then she cheated on me I was heartbroken but thank god she did it because I probably still would’ve been with her today. I forgave her for it and we kept dating for a month or two but my love for her wasn’t the same she hurt me bad and I honestly thought I forgave her. She was always arguing with me making me go crazy I always caught her doing sneaky shit she neve listens when I told her shit that was good for her and basically I was her stepping stool for most out relationship. After a bit I finally said yo forget this crazy toxic chick I’ve had enough and I told her to get out of my life and not to contact me my family we kinda had the same friend group. I blocked her on possibly everywhere and blocked her family members so she couldn’t contact me through them. I haven’t spoken to her since I can’t even remember the last time I spoke to her I remember how but not a date. And honestly I put everything into that relationship not knowing I was hurting myself when o deserved way better, I was content with my decision and it was what I wanted when I was finally rid of her I was happy again all my friends notice it my family notice it I was back to my normal self and I loved every bit of it. After like almost a year I found this girl who was absolutely incredible she was like a blessing sent down from god and I couldn’t believed she even wanted to be with a guy like me. She is so beautiful inside qs she is on the put she anything a guy could want in a girl and I’m lucky to have her. I know I love the girl I’m with and she means everything to me she took me when I was down and turned me into a better man and I could never repay her for that. I really wanna be with this girl for the rest of my life and we will be a year On January 23. Recently me and her have been getting into it way more than usual and that’s just what happens in relationship it not perfect for anyone, i kinda had a traumatic moment with her recently because I was caught trying to have sex with another girl, bear with me know that’s way outta of my character and I have never done anything like that in my life before I was off a lot of drugs and it was just me making the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. When that happened I was so depressed because I thought I was gonna lose her I stayed in my room and cried for days, and what made me so sad was that even after I did such a horrible thing she stayed and said I love you too much to leave my love is greater than my anger and that killed me I treated a girl who hurt me and made my life miserable so good and when I find a girl who treats me with the upmost respect and love I do her wrong. We moved past that and it made us a little stronger recently I took a Percocet that was 20mg after quitting opioids I smoke weed and this thought of my ex popped into my head after so long of hating her and thanking god that she was outta of my life. It scared the shit outta of me so many thought flooded my head why did you think about her? Do you wanna be with her? Your gonna stop living your girlfriend and go back to your ex, and since than I relapsed and fell back into the whole that was eluded for so long. I am really confused right now and don’t know what to do my ocd is making this seeem so real and I’m scared outta of my mind I don’t wanna go back to her I found happiness and I wanna keep it for the rest of my life but my mind has been filled with thought of me getting back with her and I hate it so much I hit my self in the head sometimes and yell for these thoughts to just get out I love my girlfriend and I don’t wanna be with anyone else especially my evil ex that’s the last person I would want to be with. I don’t know what to do when I look at my girl my exes face pops up when she’s talking my head says she sound like my ex and it won’t stop and i just wanna love my girl and get married to her she doesn’t deserve this I don’t deserve her please I need help I don’t know what to do I haven’t loved or thought about my ex i soooo long and I’ve been happy without her and I never had these thoughts of me loving and missing her. Maybe is it because she was my first for everything or she was there for me when I was going through my ocd whatever it may be I don’t wanna be with her I want to stay with my current girlfriend forever is this rocd or not?
What if a person says the urge or says something wrong out loud? Like saying they want to do something with someone else out loud?
That can certainly be an unwanted impulse in this category of relationship OCD. The goal would be to accept the possibility that this could happen but still not engage in any type of avoidance.
I am in a relationship for three years and i am was so happy i cannot tell u.. He was a frnd of my ex but was very different in nature.. I was always in agony when i was with my ex and my heslth totslly detoriated.. At last he began ignoring me and not replying to my texts and i went to his frnd for help.. Who in turn helped me alot mentally. Alas he knew about his frnds behaviour thats y he supported me over his frnd.. And we became closer.. I broke up with my ex as he was not talking to me at all for atleast 2 weeks and further extended the period saying thats their is a family prblm but in reality there was nothing.. So i went to him and i broke up by asking him that whether he wants this relationship or not and he clearly said no and thats where it all ended and my new relationship began with his frnd.. Becauss his frnd left him due to his harsh behavioue towards me.. Me and his frnd came closer and we decided to get into a relationship.. And this relationship is far better than that and i love him more than me.. But suddenly my ex returned and he questioned why i broke up with him and all the silly questions.. And thats where my ocd started.. I was with my current bf for three yesrs and everything was perfect until this.. I keep obssesing over the fact that maybe my ex was right, maybe my present bf did somethinh, maybe he was the reason behind the breakup, maybe my present bf did this on purposs, maybe he lied to me about my ex and filled my mind with rubbish, maybe this was his plan, maybe god wants me to be with my ex, maybe my present bf is not right he is a liar. And i keep having these thoughts and its killing me.. I know there js nothing like thatbut i am overanalysing every single thing, my feelings, my urges, my moods every single thing.. Like why i dont feel connected with my partner, y i want to go to my ex knowing that he is not good for me, y i am questing this man of my dreams,. Why why why? And after that i keep having intrusive images about my ex or doing somethinh with him instead of my bf and i practically shake when i have these thoughts.. I have some relief in knowing that i have ocd but i fesr that i dont have it.. Its just that i am not moving on.. Or i was just using my current bf.. And thats frustrating.. I cry , i feel guilty and i want to end my life becoz the man i love is the man my mind is saying not to live with.. I cant live without him plz help me 😭